How to create a self-care ritual that you will actually stick to

If you, like most women, wear multiple hats, give away your time, and try to do it all with absolute perfection, you might find that your wellbeing takes the very back seat after everyone else’s.

Perhaps, you have tried to do that “self-care” thing that seems so popular nowadays. You created a plan, bought that journal, splurged on the bath oil, and tried meditating with the expensive meditation cushion you bought…for two days…before an unexpected swerve uprooted you yet again from your Instagram-worthy self-care plan.

“Self-care” has become such a trend now that the word conjures up images such as long, luxurious baths with rose petals, candles, and your favorite essentials, at-home facials with a 10-step skincare routine, and being pampered at a hot spring.

This can create a slightly misconstrued impression that self-care is a privilege that only those with a lot of free time and disposable income can afford. However, the truth of the matter is, while self-care does require some of your time, if you learn how to prioritize yourself and integrate a few very simple self-care rituals into your day, you actually feel like you get a bit of time back for yourself.

I’ll break it down step-by-step for you below on how you can create your own self-care rituals that you will actually stick to in the long term. I recommend taking about an hour for this journaling exercise!

Receive more guidance for this step-by-step process in this workshop training by clicking here.

Before we dive in

Before we dive into the steps, I’d like you to take a few moments to contemplate this:

How will having a sacred ritual of self-care transform or elevate my current life?

How will you feel inside and out? How will you view the world? How might you do things different? How might you interact with the people around you?

When you’re taken care of, by yourself, for yourself, you change.

“How will having a sacred ritual of self-care transform or elevate my current life?”

Step 1: Understand your aspirational identity

Oftentimes, we get swept up by the rules and mimetic trends of the society that we forget what truly matters to us. We want to be liked and fit in with the crowds, and so we shape-shift and/or people please. But in that process, we lose a bit of ourselves, and we end up waking up one day unable to recognize ourselves.

So take a moment to reflect on this: Where are you now and where do you want to be? What kind of person do you aspire to be? How does this person feel and interact with the world on a daily basis?

This is not about taking on yet another identity to try to be like somebody else. This is ultimately being you at your most authentic and best version of who you are and can be.

Use “I am” statements as you write these. Thinking and writing in the present tense helps align you to this identity more effectively. Rather than “one day, I will be…,” you’re writing your story as “Today, I am…"

Example: I am someone who is kind and generous, but also know when to set boundaries to protect my own physical and emotional needs. I meditate daily to help me start my day. I turn off my phone and screens 45 minutes before bedtime and enjoy relaxing yoga poses to wind down.

In the following steps, you will use this aspirational identity as a guide to align your self-care rituals.

“Where are you now and where do you want to be? What kind of person do you aspire to be? How does this person feel and interact with the world on a daily basis?”

Step 2: List all the things you do in a week, including self-care

Next, we’re continuing with a “brain dump,” which is essentially a timed writing activity in which you write down everything on your mind, your list of to-do’s, and all of the responsibilities you bear.

Clutter is the enemy when you are trying to get some clarity. Mental clutter takes up so much of your brain real estate and energy! By putting everything that is weighing on your mind right now, you can help free up your capacity to problem-solve.

List all activities -- including work, hobbies, social events, errands, daily tasks, time with family/friends, and even those secret moments when you’re mindlessly scrolling -- that you do on a weekly basis.

In addition to usual daily activities, list any current self-care practices/activities that you already do.

If you don’t currently have any self-care activities in place, write down what you would like to incorporate, and make sure they are all aligned with your aspirational identity from Step 1.

Example: walk the dog twice a day, happy hour with co-workers on Thursday evenings, 1-2 hours of TV each night, long bath twice weekly (current), meditate daily (want)

Put a timer on for 15 minutes, and go!

Step 3: What can you say no to or let go of?

In order to design and create the life you want (e.g., one in which YOU matter, and one where you get to nurture yourself!), you need to take a life inventory and get honest if some (or most!) things you currently do are no longer serving you. This can include work, relationships, hobbies, nutrition and food, and activities you end up doing on your spare time (*cough* scrolling on Instagram for the 1000th time *cough*).

Look at the brain dump list you created in Step 2. Are there activities you listed in there that are not aligned with your aspirational identity? Write all of them down.

Example: scrolling on phone at night for an hour before actually sleeping, going to happy hour and staying up late on Wednesday nights, watching TV for 2 hrs every night

“Anchors are self-care practices and activities that help you feel like yourself again.”

Step 4: Identify your anchors

Anchors are self-care practices and activities that help you feel like yourself again. These can range from longer activities such as taking a hike in the woods, to short ones like turning your face towards the sun for a minute.

Look at your list from Step 2. What are the three (no more, no less!) activities that are (a) most enjoyable AND (b) most accessible/doable? I suggest listing two short activities (30 sec to 20 min) and one long one (20+ min).

Example: 5 minute daily morning meditation, 5 minute daily bedtime meditation, 30 minute yoga twice a week. 

These are your anchors. And just like anchors, their tasks are to keep you from drifting away from who you are, and from being thrown around in more turbulent waters.

The more responsibilities you have, the more anchors you need to help balance out, but for now, just start with these three.

Magically, when you have these anchors in place, you seem to be able to accomplish more with less stress.I find it so important to establish these to help reclaim a bit of your identity and your time.

Step 5: Schedule these anchors in your calendars

Your last and final step is to replace the things you want to let go of from Step 2 with your anchors. Essentially, you are replacing activities that deplete you, do not nourish you, and do not grow you in the direction you want to grow, and making room for things that actually matter and make a difference for you.

Put these anchors in your calendar(s), including your family calendar if you use one, so that everyone in your household are on the same page and respect your “me time.” Choose time slots where you will most likely not be disrupted or distracted. Good times are usually first thing in the morning before the rest of the house wakes up, or at night before you go to sleep.

To further solidify your anchors, especially as you’re starting out to incorporate them, you can write self-affirming statements in the following structure: Instead of _______________, I am _________________.

Example: Instead of scrolling on my phone first thing in the morning, I meditate first thing when I wake up for 5 minutes.

Write 3 statements, one for each of your anchor.

By integrating these anchors, you are getting a say in your life, rather than be dictated by what everyone else around you says you should do.

Instead of living on someone else’s terms, why not establish your own?

Reclaim your time. Reclaim yourself.

“By integrating these anchors, you are getting a say in your life, rather than be dictated by what everyone else around you says you should do. ”

Final notes

If you find yourself slipping away from your anchors, then it’s a sign you’ve chosen anchors that are too time-consuming, not enjoyable enough, or not as accessible as you thought they would be. Go back to Step 2 to swap out your anchors, one at a time (e.g., swap out the anchor you tend to slip away from most frequently with a new one from your list, rather than swapping out all three). You might have to go through a period of trials and errors to really nail down your starter 3 anchors.

Commit to these 3 anchors for 3 months. You can integrate more anchors, one at a time, into your life as you become solidified in your first 3 anchors, when they start to feel as easy and seamless as brushing your teeth.

When you commit to these anchors, you will feel…well…anchored. When new and unexpected events happen in your life, you will always have these anchors to ground into, and you will be able to make wiser decisions that are aligned with you and your aspirational identity.

It’s more than okay to be imperfect with this, because life is inherently messy, unpredictable, and imperfect. You might slip out of these anchors for a few days, but if you’ve been committed to them, you will be drawn back to them naturally like gravity.

Get more support

Would you like to do this exercise together?! It’s always more fun and inspiring when you gather with other people to create and execute goals.

You can watch this workshop training where I guide you step-by-step through this entire process, AND get ideas from workshop participants. Head over to grab your workshop training here.